we won't need legs to stand

Before the day falls upon me, and I am cluttered inside by sounds and sights, I would like to sit, empty, for a few minutes. I would like to sit empty, hearing the rain trickle, feeling rinsed and clean.

The visit has gone well so far. We put Rufus in a pet boarding place because he was stressing out, and in a ripple effect, everyone else was stressed also. So now he's at a place where he gets to play with dogs all day, and eats his same food at the same times. I think they go to lengths to try to accommodate the dog's habits.
Also, rain is falling in Georgia, which is a huge blessing from God above. This state has been dry as a desert all year.
Yesterday we saw Richie. He and I have known one another for maybe longer than I've known my other long-time friends. We have a rich history of which I should write at some point. I could write a story of our adventures, the places we went and the conversations we had. And now, when meeting again, there's still peace between us and the gentle friendship remains intact, though our visits are infrequent.
After visiting with Richie, we went to Decatur to see Jamie. She, of course, is as beautiful as ever and vibrant with life. We chatted, and shopped, and hopefully Scott wasn't bored to death, but he is too polite to say.
Today we will take it easy at the house, and catch a movie with Scott's mom Mary. Tomorrow we will go to South Carolina and stay with my grandmom, which I am greatly anticipating, as she is my favorite relative, and the one most like me. She and I are two peas in a pod.

Meanwhile, Scott's grandma is trundling around the kitchen, fixing her cereal, muttering the whole time. What she's saying, nobody knows. Now she sits at the couch and turns the tv off of mute, which I had put it on to write this, and because I am not accustomed to the constant barrage of tv noise. So my quiet time ends, and I will seek refuge in the shower, where more water can trickle and cleanse.


the happiest woman among all women

As Christmas approaches, I begin to plan our itinerary. Three days in TN, two in GA, two in SC, three in NC, four more in GA. Making sure we have places to stay, and that we see our families and closest friends.
Feeling a return to God. God both baffles and comforts me, and I think that's how it's supposed to be. He is terrifying yet He is a God of love.
"prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
prone to leave the God I love
here's my heart, o, take and seal it
seal it for thy courts above"

Sometimes I spend time wondering if Christianity is right, as in, if it is THE truth, and the way, etc. Other times I spend time reading the Bible and seeking God's face, and praying and seeking His voice. At those times, instead of the former, I feel closest to Him. So I'm beginning to think that He just wants us to be relational, and to seek Him out, and to not worry so much about whose theory of Him is the best or the most right. The miracles in Christianity sometimes seem too much to ask someone to believe, but then again it's the God of the universe, and if He created this magnificent, mysterious universe, then surely a virgin birth or a resurrection are a walk in the park.

Other than those puzzling questions that showcase my humanity, I've been at peace lately. The semester is over, and though it wasn't hard, at least I don't have to worry about upcoming papers or tests for five weeks.

Scott and I have been close lately. We took a bath together and had a wonderful night the other evening. It was so great to spend quality time just enjoying one another. I'd like more of that. We must beat our schedules into submission.

The parents (my mom and michael) came and brought gifts, then left within 24 hours. They had to get back to work, but wanted to see us before the holidays since we won't see them. They really blessed us, with lots of good gifts and with their care. I got a sewing machine! Which means now I need to find someone to teach me. Scott got a burr grinder and couldn't be happier. He loves it.
The important thing, I believe, is to remember what the season is about, instead of getting caught up about gifts, shopping, and travel. The season is about love, it's about God's love, the greatest love of all.


be on my side, here with me

we had the risky behavior. i later researched and estimated that we had performed risky behavior within a day or two of ovulation, which would mean up to an 80% chance of conception. i harbored this hope inside, cradling the weight of the change in my mind daily, for two weeks. i tried not to get my hopes up, but i accidentally did. the period did not come on time, so i took a test.
not pregnant. i took another the next day. not pregnant.
the period still did not come.
today, it came. almost a week late. it hurt more than usual, as if i could feel the actual scraping out of any possible implantation inside me. just being scraped out, scraped clean. it felt sharp and bruising. i cried in bed and held myself. scott gave me chocolate and ibuprofen, and let me cry and nap.
i still feel a little hollow, not having that hope to carry around, the glimpse of an untried love.
i don't mean to put so much emphasis on this. it's just how it is.
my body, my heart, and my spirit crave creation of life. i am fulfilled loving scott and rufus, but i want to love even more. as a woman of God, i believe i am gifted with the extra love for children and for running a smooth household.
on the same but seemingly opposite note, i do want to complete my degree. i don't want to have gone to school for all this time and money just to not finish. granted, i could always go back or finish it later if i had to, but why not just finish it now? i just have two years.
two years, God willing.
i feel sad and lonely today.


forever's not so long

i am feeling in touch with myself lately, in a way where i am mindful of my heart, keeping it fixed on scott and the great times we have together. sometimes it seems our love will just keep increasing until we are both orbiting the planet. we lift each other so high with words and touch. one of us gives and the other feels giving, and the cycle continues. we do dishes for one another, clean the place for one another, cook pasta at one in the morning for one another. the ways we love are endless.

this is the last week of classes. next week is finals week. then we have a month off for winter break. i'm hoping scott and i will have some time to go on hikes before it snows, whenever that may be.
we'll go to tennessee for christmas eve and christmas day to be with lindsay, george, kate and eli. then we'll migrate over to south carolina and see some of my fam. we'll hop up to north carolina and spend time with jamie and josh in boone. then we'll probably sweep down to georgia to see some friends and scott's parents before heading back west to missouri. can we do it all in ten days? lord, i hope so.
the ones i miss the most: grandmom. jamie. b. scott's mom. the wonderful women in my life.
i miss my dad. my love for him is strong, even though my memories of his face and voice are fading. he'll always live in my heart.

watched the life aquatic last night. i absolutely love everything wes anderson does. i especially liked that movie, which he wrote all by himself.

i read a short story by jeanette winterson in which the main character gets a puppy and begins spending time with it. she talks about the intimacies of puppy love - the naps together, the way you feel your dog meets you at your rough edges. how wonderful the dog is, just as he is, and how you strive to be good in return, to love as he loves, unguarded.
"It's just a dog. Yes, I know, but he's found me out."
sometimes loving rufus and being his friend and provider feels like that.

here's a good quote: "draw near to god and he will draw near to you"