scrape your knee, it is only skin

Today it is miserable to be pregnant. I feel fat, hormonal, hungry and simultaneously queasy, tired, and sad. 
I feel like Scott is not excited at all. And I admit, my excitement wavers, maybe it hasn't even fully developed yet, because let's face it, the prospect of being a parent is overwhelming, and obviously life-changing. And that's probably how he feels too, but our communication hasn't been the best lately, we haven't even had one real talk, and I also feel like shit because I miss when he used to bring me flowers. Flowers do not mean love, but they do symbolize a romantic affection for another person, and I'm just not feeling that lately. I guess we're truly past whatever honeymoon phase people have when they get married. It just eats at me deep down, asking irritating questions like, does he love me as much as he used to? Did I mess up by becoming pregnant when we weren't ready? Is he worried about being trapped with me forever?
These questions are probably just head demons, but they're persistent, and they take advantage of me on days like this, where I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat, and I have cried already, two or three times. 
I feel fat because my body is changing, and my clothes are starting to fit funny. My breasts are sore and that hurts, and isn't fun. I'm both hungry and turned off by food, so I haven't been eating well, which doesn't help my emotional state at all. And my dog accidentally scratched my neck, which made me start crying again. I'm like a huge, fat, crying baby! 
I also feel overwhelmed by school work and work demands, not to mention household chores that are slowly spiraling out of control. At least I did the dishes. 
And I feel like I can't tell anyone this stuff. Because it makes me sound dumb. I know that my worries are unfounded, and based in the hormonal spikes my body is a victim of. I know that Scott loves me just as much as ever, if not more. I know that I'm not fat, my body is just shifting as the pregnancy continues. I know all of this, but it doesn't really change how I feel. I feel like pregnancy is this scary ride at the amusement park, that I didn't exactly sign up for, and that it's just taking me, mercilessly, through all these upside down loops at a break-neck speed. 
I hear it gets better in the second trimester. 
I sure hope so.  


i hope you always find someone to take you home

Things are well. 
My neighbor just brought me a vegan cupcake that was AMAZING. So I'm pretty pleased. 
In other news, I'm still getting school sorted out. The good news is that I found a way to utilize all my credits thusfar earned, and to apply them towards a Special Degree. That means I'm very close to being done! I just have to see an advisor again tomorrow to make sure the classes I'm enrolled in will count. And, by the grace of God, literally, I can keep my ceramics class and it goes toward my degree! And I can keep my honors reading class, which I've already bought five or so books for. Alleluia. I just feel so blessed and humbled because I worried for so long about all the hours I'd taken and they didn't seem to amount to anything in the program I was in here, so I felt like I had wasted time and money. But now it is working out fine. 
My photos aren't uploading correctly right now or I'd post a shot of my belly. Now at 6.5 weeks, approximately, and feeling chubby and kind of crazy. But joyful. Still very hungry, and often fatigued. I gave mom permission to start telling relatives today. I also started telling people at work, friends, and neighbors. I'm beginning to feel confident in a healthy pregnancy, and am excited to share my excitement. I also admit to loving the various reactions the news receives. From "Oh, wow" to squealing and laughter, crying in joy, hugs, etc. It's amazing to be receiving all this uplifting feedback just for carrying a life (now feeling more like a ravenous parasite). 

I do feel that I need to not get too caught up in the 'hoopla' and be mindful that it was God's gift for Scott and me, and not something I did alone. It's now "wow, look what i did", it's "wow, look how God has blessed me". I just want to give credit where credit is due. He is the creator, after all. 
Having weird dreams. But that's not new. Craving fruit and sometimes tomato sauce. 
When I told Mom Martin, she wrote me the most beautiful letter, saying that she knew my 'birth Daddy' (my father), was so proud of me and happy for me. She said that when I feel warmth surrounding my belly like a hug, that it was him. She said she knows it sounds crazy, but she knows what she sees and what she feels. She said that every time she looks at me, she sees him above me, and that he's always with me. She also talked about how she and Dad Martin have waited for this baby their whole lives, and how wonderful the baby will be, and that our lives are great and the path we are on is beautiful. She touched my heart so very deeply. 


get it like you like it

Six weeks today. I hope I start showing in the next couple of weeks, because until then I just feel like a crazy, hungry, tired woman with tender breasts. 
Yesterday was my birthday. Scott made me breakfast and apologized for not having something planned. He originally had a great plan, to take me to a climbing gym in Kansas City and then spend the day there and get dinner or see a movie together. Well, my doctor was the buzz kill on that one when she said I can't be bouldering or rock climbing while pregnant. Too risky. All it takes is one unfortunate fall. So . . . we just spent the day leisurely, reading and hanging out. We had dinner together, which was nice. I restrained from ordering a glass of wine. 
I think I had my first pregnant-person craving today. We were at the laundromat and I was suddenly overcome by the thought of juicy, delicious spaghetti sauce. Everything else I thought of paled incredibly in comparison, and in fact I couldn't think of any food that I wanted that didn't include spaghetti sauce, like spaghetti or calzones or pizza. Scott, the wonderful husband that he is, went and got me trail mix (for the meanwhile) and spaghetti sauce. He made me lunch when we got home, and that spaghetti was everything I hoped and wished for. 
Other than that, just feeling generally fatigued, and hungry. When I get hungry, it's fast and hard. I become ravenous. If I don't eat, I become very weak and have terrible headaches. I try to take a nap in the afternoon when the day permits, and that helps me feel better. I'm also pretty moody. It's like PMS on steroids. Like I said, though, Scott is the husband of my dreams, and he's taking it all in stride, and loving me anyway. 

On another note, I bathed Rufus today. He was good, and stayed in the tub while I sudsed him up, but I think he felt violated or ashamed. Maybe I'm just projecting what he looked like he was feeling, who knows. At least he smells better now. 
This pregnancy is changing everything. Rather, God is changing everything through this pregnancy. My schooling is going to have to change, so I can graduate sooner and take a semester off with the baby. Our plans in general will have to change. I'm not complaining, though. I really, really wanted to have kids, and here I am, pregnant with #1. Sometimes I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep it a secret. It'll be nice to tell people at work, especially, because it will explain why I may seem different. 

I have to plan the birth, too. I'm not (unless it becomes high-risk) going to deliver in a hospital, on my back, helpless, in a room with bright lights and too much noise, too many people. I don't want to feel like it's being done to me, I want to feel like I am the one birthing. I don't want to feel violated and helpless, I want to feel like a powerful vessel for the miracle of life. So I'll be looking into the community birth center in town, and finding a midwife. 
It's a lot to think about, things that have never crossed my mind before, like which company makes the best highchair, and what questions do I ask a midwife? 
One day at a time.
Like always.  


turn on your love light

happy birthday to me!

just at about five and a half weeks now. i'll start taking belly shots so i can track progress. embarrassing now, but cute later.

5.5 weeks. looking like myself plus a little extra weight.

"they" (stuff on the web i've been reading) say around six weeks you gain some weight, but i don't think i'll actually be showing much until at least eight or ten weeks. i've been looking at lots of pictures online of pregnant women and it seems to vary greatly on when they start showing and how pregnant they look at different stages. it'll be interesting to see how it looks on me.

there's a huge list of things not to eat, including but not limited to some of my favorites: feta cheese, salmon, tuna, sushi. and of course, no more alcohol.

we're bewildered, completely unprepared, and joyful. we're thinking of names, brainstorming ideas of how i can finish school, and talking about moving to the southeast in a couple years.
my first appointment with an obstetrician is at ten weeks, on february 12th. although i made an appointment with her, depending on her philosophy, i might go instead to the birthing center in columbia, where i can take part in making a birth plan and have a midwife and all that.
we've only told a few people so far: my mom, my brother, jamie, laura, ann, jessie.

it's an amazing feeling, this quiet, secret joy.
it'll be fun to tell everyone, though. in fact, it's hard to not tell everyone right now! but i'll try to wait til the first trimester is over, about thirteen weeks or so.
no nausea, only some fatigue and some ravenous hunger. i haven't been eating more than usual, if anything, i might be eating a little less than usual, but when i get hungry, i get hungry like the wolf.

if i think about the lack of practicality in this, i get a little bogged down. i haven't finished school yet, and scott won't be done with his nursing degree until summer 2009. we are just broke college students! but then i remember that god provides, and that we're blessed with family that will cover the expenses and provide support and love. so we're lucky. and grateful. and excited.


gold in the air of summer

maybe? maybe not. 
i think so. i know so. 
i'll try the test again tomorrow. and when it comes out positive, i'll call to make some sort of appointment with a doctor. 
our lives are changing. 
what will happen?
how will it all unfold, this life?


they lost their lives in backyards

Hurrah. It's the new year.

In an attempt to get our lives together, namely, start eating better and becoming disciplined about working out, Scott and I bought lots of healthy foods at the grocery today. Now I am scouring the internet for recipes for my couscous, black eyed peas, romaine hearts, feta cheese, etc.
Listening to "shuffle" on the ipod which is producing an alarmingly good mix. So far I've heard Broken Social Scene, Denali, Kings of Convenience.

Resolutions? Never been the type. Here's the near-future to-do list:
write thank-you cards
make food to heat and eat this week
clean the apartment
begin filing taxes
file FAFSA
invest in quality green tea
bathe Rufus

I have a couple of new hobbies. Knitting, to name one. A friend taught me and after the initial awkwardness of holding two needles plus yarn, I decided I love it. The other new hobby is crafting small felt plush creatures. So far I've made White Rabbit, Brown Bunny, and Panda. These are from a book called "The Cute Book", with patterns and instructions. Sweet!

It's always hard coming back to Missouri, because we feel like we don't belong here. Atlanta was refreshing. We loved being in the city again. Seeing friends was wonderful, because friends always remind you of who you are and where you've been. They were all so great and kind and fun.
One more year without my dad.
Next week I'll be 24.