12.04.2007

be on my side, here with me

we had the risky behavior. i later researched and estimated that we had performed risky behavior within a day or two of ovulation, which would mean up to an 80% chance of conception. i harbored this hope inside, cradling the weight of the change in my mind daily, for two weeks. i tried not to get my hopes up, but i accidentally did. the period did not come on time, so i took a test.
not pregnant. i took another the next day. not pregnant.
the period still did not come.
today, it came. almost a week late. it hurt more than usual, as if i could feel the actual scraping out of any possible implantation inside me. just being scraped out, scraped clean. it felt sharp and bruising. i cried in bed and held myself. scott gave me chocolate and ibuprofen, and let me cry and nap.
i still feel a little hollow, not having that hope to carry around, the glimpse of an untried love.
i don't mean to put so much emphasis on this. it's just how it is.
my body, my heart, and my spirit crave creation of life. i am fulfilled loving scott and rufus, but i want to love even more. as a woman of God, i believe i am gifted with the extra love for children and for running a smooth household.
on the same but seemingly opposite note, i do want to complete my degree. i don't want to have gone to school for all this time and money just to not finish. granted, i could always go back or finish it later if i had to, but why not just finish it now? i just have two years.
two years, God willing.
i feel sad and lonely today.

1 comment:

Jamie Lee said...

oh the risky behavior. we tempt it too. i can feel the craving in me, during that time of the month when all my cells and instincts can smell it, taste it, and nearly touch it. and the more i love joshua, the hungrier it seems to get.