1.26.2008

scrape your knee, it is only skin

Today it is miserable to be pregnant. I feel fat, hormonal, hungry and simultaneously queasy, tired, and sad. 
I feel like Scott is not excited at all. And I admit, my excitement wavers, maybe it hasn't even fully developed yet, because let's face it, the prospect of being a parent is overwhelming, and obviously life-changing. And that's probably how he feels too, but our communication hasn't been the best lately, we haven't even had one real talk, and I also feel like shit because I miss when he used to bring me flowers. Flowers do not mean love, but they do symbolize a romantic affection for another person, and I'm just not feeling that lately. I guess we're truly past whatever honeymoon phase people have when they get married. It just eats at me deep down, asking irritating questions like, does he love me as much as he used to? Did I mess up by becoming pregnant when we weren't ready? Is he worried about being trapped with me forever?
These questions are probably just head demons, but they're persistent, and they take advantage of me on days like this, where I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat, and I have cried already, two or three times. 
I feel fat because my body is changing, and my clothes are starting to fit funny. My breasts are sore and that hurts, and isn't fun. I'm both hungry and turned off by food, so I haven't been eating well, which doesn't help my emotional state at all. And my dog accidentally scratched my neck, which made me start crying again. I'm like a huge, fat, crying baby! 
I also feel overwhelmed by school work and work demands, not to mention household chores that are slowly spiraling out of control. At least I did the dishes. 
And I feel like I can't tell anyone this stuff. Because it makes me sound dumb. I know that my worries are unfounded, and based in the hormonal spikes my body is a victim of. I know that Scott loves me just as much as ever, if not more. I know that I'm not fat, my body is just shifting as the pregnancy continues. I know all of this, but it doesn't really change how I feel. I feel like pregnancy is this scary ride at the amusement park, that I didn't exactly sign up for, and that it's just taking me, mercilessly, through all these upside down loops at a break-neck speed. 
I hear it gets better in the second trimester. 
I sure hope so.  

2 comments:

Danyell said...

Oh man, the joy of those first few weeks of hormones! Yeehaw!

I'll definitely be calling you when I become a big fat whiny baby :)

On a side note, as far as I've seen, the hardest part about loving your spouse is being a loveable spouse. Does that make sense? I know it does.

Jessica said...

of course it makes sense.
it's like that poem says, "it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner"