hold on to life with feelings

Five years ago today, my father died. I lost the one I loved the most, first. And since then, I feel that I can handle anything. A consolation that I survived the worst pain so young, to become stronger and older, wiser. 

Today I have done as little as possible, taking long walks with Scott and Rufus, resting on the couch, reading a book. I made pancakes and that was a great start to the day. I'm not depressed, just reflective. His death feels so long ago that it doesn't sting with freshness. It's merely a soft spot on my heart, one that is bittersweet and tender. And radiantly beautiful. 

I will always cradle his memory, and I hope to see some of his kind heartedness as well as his mischievousness in my own son. And, as usual, I listen to "the Glow, pt. 2" by the Microphones to commemorate the day we buried my father. 

"i could not get through september without a battle

 i faced death

 i went in with my arms swinging

 but i heard my own breath

 i had to face that i'm still living

 i'm still flesh

 i hold on to life with feelings

 i'm not dead

 there's no end

 my face is red

 my blood flows harshly

 my heart beats loudly

 

 my chest still draws breath 

 i hold it 

 i'm boiling

 there's no end"