spittin' out seeds of doubt

Today the weather is humid. 
I went to an appointment today - low blood pressure (as usual), no weight gain since last week, strong heartbeat for the baby, he's still head down and very active. Possible cervix change, but they don't check me at every appointment to tell me harrowing "this much effacement, that much dilation", thank goodness. I'm curious about how far I may be dilated or thinned, but to know the actual numbers could possibly create more anxiety, because dilation can change greatly before real labor, and if it regressed instead of progressed - what a head trip. I already feel like I could just be pregnant for the rest of my life, but knowing that my cervix was changing it's mind every week would be torture. 
When I walked Rufus this morning I had "stuff going on down there". I'm not sure if they were contractions - because I have no idea how contractions feel - but I had a lot of sensation, some painful, some expanding-feeling, and I just walked and breathed through it. It was exciting to be feeling action down there! When I took a shower after the walk it all stopped, so it probably was what's called false labor, coined "warm-up sessions" by the midwives at the birth center. Pretty exciting stuff. 
What I love about childbirth is that it will happen all of it's own accord. Whether I feel ready or not (I feel as ready as I possibly can at this point), it will occur whenever it does. I can try to will it to happen, but it's not affected by my pleas. When it's hard and active, I may try to will it to end, but it will not heed my call. It's this process that's entirely inevitable and inertia centered, and it's just incredible that one day soon I will be subject to that process. That's why it's so important to just allow it to happen, and take it one contraction at a time. I understand all of this mentally - we'll see how much I remember when I'm actually going through it. 
I've done a lot this first week of maternity leave - had a WIC appointment, a midwife appointment, made three meals and a pound cake and froze them, swept and mopped (gasp) the kitchen floor, went to J's husband's softball game with her, gone on long walks twice a day with my dog, and vacuumed the living room. Still to do - put the carseat in the car, scrub the toilet and tub, vacuum the bedroom, do laundry, and whatever else crosses my mind as time worthy. Oh, I need to write a couple thank you notes and then address envelopes for birth announcements. These little projects are fun, and most importantly, they help the days pass without me becoming too terribly despondent about not having a baby yet. After all, I haven't even passed the "due date" yet. So things are looking good. 

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