and in the morning I'll be with you

I baked again.

Last night I tried out another of Dorie Greenspan's recipes - "Black and White Banana Loaf". It's basically a banana bread, with part of the batter mixed with melted bittersweet chocolate, and then marbled into the regular batter. I adapted it a little, adding some pureed pumpkin from the fridge and leaving out the rum because I didn't have any.
It turned out really well -super moist.

And I realize that we need a new bookshelf. Ours is so full it is about to fall over, seriously.
Today I did some gardening stuff. I felt so self sufficient, because I'm a woman and I was ripping dead plants out of the ground, reseeding the purple cone flowers, and spreading leaves on the flower beds, and no guy helped me. I wasn't even depending on Scott to watch the baby, I brought him and his bouncy chair outside so he could get some sun. It was unseasonably warm today, so it all worked out. Except that Rufus tried to eat a garden snake, which didn't work out at all.
Oh, and I've made some pretty delicious throw-together meals lately. I'm calling them "two things in a bowl". Yesterday I chopped and sauteed some new potatoes with curry powder. I also cooked some lima beans and kielbasa. Then I put those two things in a bowl together. Today I scrambled some eggs with onion, garlic, and bell peppers. I also reheated some wild rice in a saute pan and added tomatoes, black beans, and tons of fresh spinach. Then I put those two dishes in a bowl. I'm liking it. It's an awesome way to use leftovers, and it's not like I have to think of a balanced meal, I just turn on the stove and start emptying the refrigerator.
Basically I'm ruling on the homefront. What about behind the front, though? Well, I think I'm doing okay. Honestly I feel a little shafted because I do all the work around here, well, all the housework. Scott does all of his things - full time school and work - and I know it's not easy on him. I wish he had the insight to realize what a gift it would be to me if he would come home from school and tell me to go take a bath or something, or to go meet a friend for coffee - without the baby. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Finn, and he's a charm to take out - he is laid back, never crying, always thrilling women with his good looks. But hey, what about me? I'm my own person, right? Or does mommy-hood dissolve my identity. Please, God, say it doesn't. I know it doesn't, but I realize that it takes maintenance to keep up my own identity separate from that of Finn's food, Finn's home, Finn's comfort. I love being all of those things to him, he's an angel of a baby. Obviously I feel torn - loving my new role, but afraid of losing sight of my own identity apart from my new role.
Also, I just miss Scott. I really appreciate and admire him for his hard work, truly. Because I don't like working - I just don't. And I don't miss working. But he works, and it's hard, and he goes to school, and he studies constantly, and he stresses out, but he makes good grades, and he keeps on trucking. I just feel like I don't see him very often.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. Scott will have the week off of school, and I'll finally be able to spend some time with him. He might even be able to relax a little and stop stressing about classes. I'm tired, and rambling, and need to join my baby in sleep.
I'm lonely.

1 comment:

Danyell said...

I would just say that to him - that you appreciate all the work he's doing, and that if you could take over for him for a while, you totally would, and it would be awesome if you just had maybe a half hour or an hour a week to... well, do whatever it is you want.

Jason and I had to work on that when he was working all day and at Master Seo's whenever he wasn't at work. It was brutal on our relationship. And then when he came home I would pounce on him because I was so starved for companionship.

I wish I could like, air-mail you a nanny or a maid to help out once every couple of weeks or something. And remember Laura and I will be there in a little more than three weeks! Yay!!