10.30.2007

from what is said to when it's read

short and unfiltered, i hope.

the week is good. mom visited over the weekend and for once, the first time that i can remember - we spent almost four days together having fun! we shopped and visited every art gallery in town, we drank coffee together. i showed her the ceramics room and all my work. we made the apartment more like a home with plants she brought and touches only a mom can impart.

scott and i made love last night, unprotected. if i'm approximating correctly, there's no chance that i'm pregnant. still, it most decidedly was not a wise choice.
only this - why is it so hard to feel pleasure anymore?
sometimes, when he's touching me and it's building up to the act, i feel a struggle taking place deep inside me. confusion about whether it's what i want, resistance to pleasure. it's almost as if something inside me won't let it be pleasant - the something inside me makes it out to be boring and even tells me that his touch is not pleasurable, and sometimes not welcome.
then the struggle surfaces to the conscious mind, coming up for air, and then i make the conscious decision to open up, let down, let in, welcome, enjoy, love. and it's wonderful and immensely pleasurable and i come into the moment and am aware and awake and there - as if i had just only woken up in the moment - and had before been struggling with shadows of nightmares.
it's a strange thing to try to describe, this struggle beneath the surface. sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. usually, i just don't feel sexually inclined. not the jessica i knew once upon a time.
am i just accustomed to his body? though sometimes i'm watching him have a conversation with someone, or with me, or anything - and i find myself strongly attracted to him all over again, surprised that he's mine, admiring the cut of his shoulder and the flat surface on the back of his neck.
the miracles we take for granted.

i should pray for sexual passion to return.
i hate feeling like i'm depriving him - though he says he doesn't want to do anything if it disagrees with how i feel. he's honorable.

autumn continues to seep in.
ev sent me a cd, and as per usual, i'm not sure how to reciprocate the favor. her taste in music continues to surprise me, and the moody, windy album she's picked out to send me fits this weather and this life perfectly. she has a keen sense of how music moves a soul.

the highlight of the day, perhaps - realizing that life is new when you begin to love a dog. rufus has infused my days with joy. kissing his muzzle, smelling his air and water smell is good for my spirit. his playfulness and expressiveness is a constant joy to me. i never knew loving a dog could feel so wonderful.

2 comments:

Jamie Lee said...

oh the womanly changes. and how easy it is to be present and not be present. an invisible, nearly impalpable sheath that can cover us, seperating our mouths from the tender slice of orange begging to be broken open and enjoyed.

josh and i did the same risky business. third day into my cycle. i was still with scarlet. and things have been strange, even though the risk, technically, was so low. i've been feeling some inkling of possibility that there's something there. or not. who knows. none of us. we should be more careful. or not. who knows.

Jess said...

or not. who knows.
indeed.