you could have waited

some dreams you sell. or barter with, maybe.
i'll give up this if you give me that.
i'll relinquish my dreams of unhindered travel if you provide a steady income, a stable future.
a chance for the charmed family life i've never had.

"took a walk alone last night
stopped inside your head
it was raining hard again
crawled back into bed"

but so what. i don't have to worry about rent. ever. i can "consider it taken care of" or something like that. i have hot water, which is an everday miracle.
i guess i'm irritated today for a few reasons.
one - i'm married at an arguably too-young age for marriage.
two - i still haven't travelled to europe . i would love to study abroad, but it's probably a bad idea for a marriage.
three - i have an accountability partner and i just don't feel like being an accountable person. i still want to smoke pot if i feel inclined, and live in secret with my fantasies. i don't want to talk about what's keeping me from God. sometimes i'm not even sure if i buy what i believe. do i really believe it? when i'm sitting in church, am i nodding in agreement or gazing with curious wonder? some of both.
four- today would be a good day to see justin and have a dirnk, which can't happen because we live hundreds of miles apart. it's just that we commisserate more than any other two people i know. we GROK. and that's the only word there is for us.

on the bright side - i always find the bright side, which is almost a character flaw at this severity - it was a beautiful day. windy and sunny. now subsiding to blustery dark clouds and the threat of a storm. i wouldn't mind a storm this evening.
also wonderful - i'm listening to the knife, which is synthy and the female vocalist has a voice nearing the creativity and seductivity of bjork's.

i've been reading short stories almost with repose. my favorite short story writers - alice munro, julie orringer, joyce carol oates, miranda july, and the fabulous lorrie moore. i'm keeping track of my very favorite stories, so i can make a list. i enjoy lists. one time i made a list of the alphabet - then for each letter listed things that are cold that begin with that letter. it consumed a great amount of time, and i stopped caring by the time i was working on letter M.
one short story i read is called "places to look for your mind", which i particularly love. both the story and the title. especially the title, which encourages the reader to create her own list.
at first i didn't like miranda july. her writing voice too closely resembled my own, just with a more diverse vocabulary and fully developed plots. so i got over that, and just enjoyed the quirky, sometimes creepy stories. maybe one day i'll write my own short stories. a woman can dream, eh?

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