10.24.2007

one for sorrow, two for joy

The weather is changing, the season has begun to spin.

Scott read my story, and we talked about it, and somehow it was completely resolved. A lover with a cut fit especially for me - he understood that my story was not an attack, it was an outlet. He said if anything, he liked me so much more for writing what I did. He likes my writing! I feel giddy, girlish that he delighted in my story, despite it's somewhat unclear properties on his and my relationship. He knew from speaking to me that what I represented of us in the story was the most fictional part, the rest of it being considerably true to life. He encouraged me to continue writing.
I explained the week I had been going through - the thing that had occurred, and how I had been psychologically spinning out, but how I had retrieved myself and resolved to trust God in marriage and in my decisions.

Candidly, I'm not sure what I think about God. No, I do have some concrete ideas about God. I know for sure God lives, and God creates, and what God breathes is beauty and truth. The thing I'm not sure about - the hang up - is Christianity, specifically, the church. As Scott said yesterday, the church and it's history are as much about politics as they are about religion. I don't know where I'm going with this. As soon as I start to ponder, I immediately feel a peace come over me. The questions about the reliability of the books of the Bible is not the point. The message is the point - and the message is about LOVE. The greatest two commandments are to love the Lord you God and to love your neighbor as yourself. This I believe.

What's eating me alive is the church we've been attending. They want so much from us! I suppose that churches have the right to ask for accountability - participation, attendance, etc. - from their members, but we are not even members. We were planning on taking that step, but I think we're both having a case of cold feet concerning the church. We are very participatory without membership - why join? We do not agree with the church on a few (important) issues. We simply love the people we've met there, and we love the community the church has created with those wonderful people. Is this a lack of commitment? Is this having your cake and eating it too? Is this shirking the responsibilities of a God-breathed life?

Also, I must remember that all is temporary.
In the short and long run.

My mom and Michael are coming to stay for the weekend. It shall be interesting. I've taken the whole weekend off of work, so at least I'll have some days off. I should make a list of things to do while they're here.
. go to breakfast somewhere - Ernie's or Cafe Berlin
. take mom to my ceramics classroom to show her my work and let her play with clay
. if they're up for it, go to shooting star trailhead and have a hike
. go out for dinner somewhere local - Addison's or Booche's
. consider painting the living room

I wonder if we'll go to church this weekend. Would they feel uncomfortable at our church? Could we get away with skipping another week? (we didn't go last week)

Other questions.
Is Jessie uncomfortable as my accountability partner? Is her marriage okay?
When will I see Ann again?
Am I gaining weight?
Will I ever complete my degree?

No. Yes. Soon. Probably. Hang in there.

1 comment:

Jamie Lee said...

I love reading your heart, and getting the chance to climb inside of it and sit with you.

Likewise, my friend; our lives are so likewise. I had a similar experience with Joshua (finally.atlast.) reading some of my work and not only understanding it but truly enjoying it.

We've also been resolving religious issues/differences. I'm beginning to find that he is "Cut to the right shape and size", as you say.

And I believe you are doing all the right things. You have such truth and beauty in your heart. Which means God is in you. I understand the Church business. I don't give a damn about the Book. I try not to think about it. I go for the people, the opportunity to be loving, and the subtle healing that filters through the ceremonies. Pressure is not necessary.

And I love your beautiful Self. Give mommy a hug for me