10.20.2007

i don't think you're what you seem

it was a hard week.
why do i drop into darkness for days at a time?
doubt is contagious - i start doubting one little thing, one decision, and it spreads, a virus, to everything else. mutating just enough to refuse vaccination. i should know by now - i'm 23! - that when i start feeling that doubt, to ignore it. to stick with my good decisions and block out that "what if" voice.
as i understand it - it's our sinful nature to doubt God and his works in our life. my marriage is a product of trusting God, and it is the best thing to occur in my life.

right now i feel full of grief. i feel some guilt but guilt is useless, except to humble, and i feel humbled right now. scott read my short story, which causes me to catch my breath. stories are exaggerations, and while i was writing about things happening in my life, it wasn't all truth. i feel embarrassed at the story, because it suggests that i don't have sexual feelings for him. truthfully, i've struggled with having a sex drive at all in the past year, but it's a pretty personal topic to be writing so carelessly about. i pray that scott will forgive me for my flippant, unfaithful and dishonest story. it's fiction, but does he know that? i should have told him about it before he stumbled upon it. i am careless and unfaithful. i have dishonored him and myself and God.

one good thing to come from my short story (can i even call it that? it's so short) is that when i wrote the last lines, i made a conscious decision to not feed my friend's longing. i decided that my marriage is worth more than a second guess, and i consciously stopped thinking about the friend's statement, that he loves me. i have realized that he can feel what he wants to, but it doesn't have to affect me unless i allow it - and i don't want to. it's about setting boundaries. also, the more i think about it, the more i believe that it is his state of being - lonely, prone to depression and self-hatred - that prompted him to claim such outlandish things - that he has and will always love me. he cannot love me like scott can, that is a truth i can feel in the depths of my soul.
how quickly a mind can reel when flattered. he fed my pride and i responded accordingly, letting the doubt and pride spread until my whole belief system - in everything - was up in the air.
i must pray to be protected from situations like this in the future.

it's true. we're all broken. we all sin. we do things we know we shouldn't. we write and say and think things that are obviously harmful to others and to ourselves, and we know it and do it anyway.
forgive me, Father. i am a sinner.

1 comment:

Jamie Lee said...

Well here I am. I responded to this post via email. At any rate. Don't know if I really like this blogspot thing. It seems convoluted to construct. I can't figure anything out. It's all complicated and difficult. haha

Anyway. Maybe I'll get into it. Quit moving around, would ya? I just want to read your stuff in the same place for gods sake!

Luv you