good morning scarecrow

One exam down, one to go.
A million years down, a million more to go.
Sometimes I feel I've been in school forever. But I'm finding peace in it. I have two more years, so even though by credit I'm almost a senior, by years I'm only a sophomore. I have almost all my pre-requisites done for my program (Early Childhood Edu) so it's time to get involved. Beef up the resume. Show dedication.
My advisor advised that I join a few clubs - academic and otherwise. So that's what I'm up to. I'll join Pi Lambda Theta - a national honors organization, SMSTA - a student teacher association, MNEA - a national education association, Sustain Mizzou - a sustainability student group, and STAND Mizzou - an anti-genocide student group. I'll volunteer as much as possible. It's not just for the resume that I'm doing all these things. I'm honestly quite bored with my school workload right now. I desire to be involved, meet people, do things for others.
As we talk about sometimes in CG (community group), we are all here in Columbia right now for a reason. God has a purpose for us, He has us right here right now for a reason - and we should make the most of it.

It's like this: I'm young. I'm able. I'm privileged (white, middle class). I'm blessed beyond reason, and therefore I have absolutely every reason to give back. As much as possible, in as many ways as possible. I've already volunteered an hour a week at the Peace Nook - a Missouri Peaceworks organization. I think that Columbia is growing at lightning speed and it's a great time to get involved and see what can happen.
I pray for guidance, and for clarity. Where there is darkness and need, I want to give. Not just silly student organizations, that are great for resumes but (let's be honest) may not make much change in peoples' lives. I especially have a heart for children. So I'll need to find ways to help children in need.
As suburban as Columbia sometimes feels, I know there are people in need. There are always people in need. It's difficult without a car, because some of the after school programs and big sister/brother programs require a distance that a car is needed for - but there's got to be something within reach that I can find.

Work is another story. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the strength of emotions, and the contagion. People get into a frenzy at work, and then it spreads. And before you know it, everyone is stressed out and snappy towards one another. How do I neutralize this? How do I stay positive and not get dragged down, but instead lift everyone else up?
How do I bring positive change?

On another note - I'm getting back into massage therapy. I miss it so much and have decided to just work on people by request, friends only. I'm not charging much, and I'll be doing it in my house, so I won't have to lug that table around. If I'm lucky, rather, if God wills it - then I'll continue and maybe gain a weekly client or two. If I totally fall back in love with it, well, we'll just see what happens. No reason to jump the gun.
Also I just have this thing to say, because there's no one I want to tell, but I'd like to document it. The other day I had this evil urge to post something on Mike's myspace, just so that he'd see my picture and maybe feel a twinge of emotion. Why did I want to do this? I don't know. It's twisted to play with his emotions. So I went to his myspace, and I read his aboutme. It was his prose/poetry that he sometimes writes, and it was (as usual) deep and touching. It was all about how he feels peace with Heather. And it hit me then - I love Mike, I always will, but my love for him has to grow. It can't be possessive or perverse, I can't want to make him feel things, I can only love him in the way one loves a friend or child - without motive, just because they are a lovely individual. I was overcome with a new sort of love, a love that felt so elated for him - so happy that he is happy. So encouraged by the peace he's found. So relieved that he is no longer tormented by a love failed and disfigured, the failed love that brought him so much darkness and strife (our failed love). It was as if I lost my evil motivation - my perverse desire to make him stumble - and instead filled with an honest desire for his happiness and peace. So I left his myspace, left no message, left no trace of my moral struggle. I felt peace with our failed relationship, felt peace that he's no longer troubled by hauntings of me and us. I felt FREE. Free from the desire to entangle him in new ways. Free from the clutching need to keep some part of him, no matter the cost. Free to let him go. Finally.
Thank you, Lord, for this freedom. In seeking God I have found a way to let go of unhealthy and harmful desires. It wasn't me, I know that, it was God. I couldn't make that change or decision, it was God that won, and not my sinful desires. I am beginning to understand the freedom that God's love entails.

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